Confessions part 1

 Lets be real? I am struggling. I am not ok. 

I know this is a new blog and may.... I just realized I was making excuses for sharing my feelings. Im good at that. 

My name is Kristen and I am struggling! I have a lot going on personally. I do hope to share, yes with perfect strangers. How ironic. I like to consider myself an optimistic person, and that there is always good to be found. But as the days pass, I am finding it harder and harder to find the good. As I type this I have a huge knot in my throat. Who ever said it gets easier as time goes on, has no idea. Its not easier, its harder for my. I am not ok! I try to be, but I simply cant put the fake smile on anymore. I've cried more this year than I ever have in my entire life. 

Everything seems to bother me. My overthinking brain is my own worst enemy. I can hurt myself better than anyone that I know. Its pretty sad actually. I'm sure this has ruined some of my relationships. Actually I know for a fact it has an effect on my current relationship. I have learned and started to speak up more. I will ask if I am concerned or if I overthink. This isn't always easy. Typically I am a brush things under the rug kind of person. Guess there is no more room under my rug lately. 

This year in itself has been difficult for me. I have gone through more things, cried more tears, and dealt with more heartache than some people could handle. Sadly this is the story of my life. I wish it could say that it started out good, but I think I would be lying. I know people often say that "god only gives us what we can handle" ok then I say WTF!!!!

Lets do this. 

I was born 3 weeks late at 10lb 13 oz. I was born with a hole in my heart. Yes I know that there are alot of babies born with holes in their hearts. However, in my plum sized heart, I had a whole the size of a nickel. The original plan was to wait until I was a year old to do surgery. That didnt go as planned. At 3 months old I wasnt gaining weight. I was only drinking 2oz of formula at a time and passing out cold. The hold in my heart was resulting in my failing to thrive. They performed surgery when I was 3 months. That went well, obviously lol. I had what is called a VSD. It is more common in males and my father also had the same corrective surgery. But its not hereditary. 

Around 9 months old I believe, I took my first ever ride in an ambulance. Why, you ask? Well from what Ive heard, my dad dropped my car seat that I was in at the time between the car and the curb. 

When I was 3, my dad was making lunch and fell asleep with the stove on. The kitchen caught fire. It was only him and I home...

They divorced that year. My mother says it was because he was an alcoholic and couldnt keep a job down. 

ok this is all for now. I am getting overwhelmed. Im sure I will update more later.